


falling (apart) for you

by Yeoun (Bakagami)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 22:21:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7909804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bakagami/pseuds/Yeoun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>puzzles are made of cardboard and hearts are made of paper and everything is oh-so flammable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	falling (apart) for you

**Author's Note:**

> written for theluminations fic fest. can be found [posted](http://yeoun.livejournal.com/4916.html) at my fic comm as well. super old and finally being posted here. see end notes for warnings.

[001. I think I love you.]  


 

  
  
They fall together like how stars burn. Bright, hot, blinding. Quickly, dangerously.

Minseok wakes up and they’re in China, unfamiliar hotel walls plastered with generic wallpaper, bright against the dawning sun. He remembers last night, vaguely. The city lights makes everything blur together; Lu Han’s the only thing he remembers in sharp clarity.

He unlocks his fingers clutched in Lu Han’s sleep shirt and slides a foot up the back of Lu Han’s leg slowly, ankle hooked between calves.

Lu Han eyelids crinkle in disgruntlement at being disturbed and Minseok pushes the hair back from Lu Han’s face fondly. He brushes his thumb across Lu Han’s cheek lazily.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Minseok whispers into the space between them when Lu Han blinks open an eye blearily, lashes fluttering. His breath is probably horrendous, but he leans forward to press his lips against Lu Han’s anyway.

Lu Han’s voice is raspy before he clears it, “Morning.”

“What do you want to do today?” Minseok doesn’t make to move, just presses himself closer to Lu Han, who tightens his arm around Minseok.

“You,” Lu Han says into his hair, and Minseok huffs out a laugh. “I’m serious,” he says, lips brushing against Minseok’s scalp, but Minseok can feel the grin he’s hiding.

Sliding himself down to Minseok’s eye level, Lu Han closes the space between them again, mumbles against his lips, “You’re so wonderful. I could kiss you forever.”

Minseok’s decidedly in love.  


 

  
  
[012. It’s true.

I could kiss you forever.]  


 

  
  
Lu Han clings onto him like a second skin, like he can’t bear to let Minseok go. Whenever someone comes close to touching him, Lu Han conveniently steps in between, slides tantalizing fingers down the small of Minseok's back.

He likes to brush his fingers across Minseok’s hipbones, where they both know have imprints of Lu Han’s grip from late nights. He’s possessive, and Minseok loves it.

Minseok leans into his touch. It easy; it’s the easiest thing Minseok has ever learned to do.  


 

  
  
[018. I hate when other people try to touch you.]  
  


 

  
Minseok remembers seeing Lu Han for the first time and being starstruck.

(Lu Han’s got this cute upturned nose with cheeks flushed from the cold he just came from. His eyes are trained down as he takes a sip of his coffee before setting it aside.

He scribbles something into his notebook.

Minseok’s in the middle of a run, but he makes a double take at Lu Han in the cafe. He slows to a stop.

The cafe has been part of his usual route for the past few months, but he’s never seen anyone as _pretty_ as Lu Han in the area. He’s more out of breath than he usually is, tracing the movements of Lu Han’s fingers, the subtle shifting of his shoulders.

And before Minseok can look away, Lu Han lifts his gaze. Locks with Minseok’s.

Minseok’s heart beats fast.)

They haven’t put a label on their relationship, but Minseok doesn’t mind. He’s okay with being a little more than friends with Lu Han. Friends that make out after date nights, that sometimes suck each other off. Who sometimes have sex against a wall. Minseok’s pretty chill with it.

It’s fine because he gets to kiss Lu Han whenever, and it’s pretty fucking nice. Plus, he gets cute post-it notes on the go, like in his lunch, or his coat. When Lu Han leaves before Minseok wakes up, they’re on the pillow, the mirror.

Jongdae expresses a little concern after a few months of their pseudo-courtship stage, but cares too much about Minseok's happiness to push.

Minseok gets attached. He’s an all or nothing type of guy, and Lu Han doesn’t make nothing a choice. Minseok’s fallen fast and hard, like how he almost tripped over his own two feet the moment Lu Han smiled at him.

(Lu Han has to tuck away his notebook to steady Minseok with an amused smile. It’s frustratingly, and all-knowing. As in, Lu Han probably already knows Minseok was going to be in too deep.)

It’s been okay so far, because Lu Han has always been there to catch him, to hold him together when he’s falling apart.

He does that a lot. Falling apart that is. Usually when Lu Han's fucking into him and he’s shaking and moaning and arching his back to meet Lu Han’s thrusts.

Lu Han tells him he’s adorable when he’s wrecked. Minseok tells him, “fuck you,” to which Lu Han replies breathelessy, “I am.”

“God, Lu Han, fuck, Jesus—”

Lu Han laughs breathlessly into the skin of Minseok’s shoulder, “How many more names do you have for me? I thought I told you Lu Han was fine.”

When Minseok rolls his eyes back, it’s a mix of pleasure and fond disbelief, because Lu Han’s jokes during sex are so “lame,” he pants out, between thrusts. He looks up at Lu Han and finds him watching the way his cock goes into Minseok, eyes hooded.

After a little bit, Lu Han lowers his head to kiss the skin of Minseok’s shoulder, biting lightly and licking patterns that make Minseok’s eyes roll back in pleasure.

Minseok rolls his hips a particular way and is pleased in the way Lu Han's movements stutter and the teeth brushing Minseok’s shoulder sink into skin.

“Seok, holy shit, you feel amazing.” Lu Han bends his head to hover over Minseok’s, gaze searing. Even in darkness, Lu Han is ethereal.

“Yeah,” Minseok says, lifting his head to meet Lu Han's lips. “I know.”  


 

  
  
[020. You take being fucked like a dream.

I never want to wake up.]  


 

  
  
Their fights are few and far in between, but when they do occur, Minseok shuts down. He’ll put down his plate with precise detail. He’ll close doors without a click. He’ll wake up with eye bags and messier-than-usual bed hair.

Even if they’re fighting over something small, Minseok will find himself stuffing clothes soaked in the scent of alcohol in the washer. The bed in his apartment will be an anchor, Lu Han’s scathing words the night before pulling him below the surface.

The water Minseok splashes on his face feels like it’s drowning him.

It’s unhealthy. It’s reckless. Minseok’s fine with it. All or nothing.  


 

  
  
[037. You’re too addicting for your own good, you know that?]  
  


 

  
Everything Minseok does is easy. He’s quick to forgive. When Lu Han pouts and acts cute and makes him breakfast in bed, Minseok lets himself be kissed into feeding each other. Fucking. Washing, dressing. He can never stay mad for long.

“I love you,” Minseok says one day, out of the blue.

He nervously thumbs his mug, waits. Lu Han turns to him and holds his gaze, eyes crinkling up at the edges. People have said Lu Han smiling has ruined the effect of his otherwise perfect face. Minseok thinks he’s beautiful.

Lu Han says nothing. Minseok thinks it’s okay.  


 

  
  
[046. You said, “I love you,” today and I almost said it back. I don’t know why I didn’t. I love you, I do.

Maybe it’s because you’re too good for me. Am I being selfish for holding on? You could have so much better...but I don’t want to let you go.]  
  


 

  
“I love you,” Minseok says, the next time they wake up together. They’re in Korea this time, nestled in the heart of Seoul.

He’s taken to saying it recently, because it sounds good, sounds natural, rolling off his tongue and being directed at Lu Han.

And he’s been counting every time, just because it’s stupid and it’s like when kids count how many kisses they’ve had, or when couples count them when they first get together.

Minseok doesn’t really try to think about all the opportunities that Lu Han could have said it back. Because he hasn’t. But sometimes, it’s hard to forget the uncomfortable expression he’s caught on Lu Han’s face after he’s said it.

Lu Han rolls over and they get out of bed and hold hands down the street.

“Do you want to get some coffee?” Lu Han asks. He seems a little distant, like something is on his mind. Minseok doesn’t want to bother him about it, just squeezes his hand and grins, “I’d like that.”

He considers Lu Han’s perfect mixing of cream and sugar with his order as his own way of saying, “I love you.”

His shoulders feel heavy.  


 

  
  
[063. You keep telling me you love me. I can’t bring myself to say it back.

You’ll leave me. You’ll find something about me, find something and and leave me for someone better and I would never be able to live with myself.

I don’t know what to do except to leave you before you can leave me.]  


 

  
  
Minseok arrives at Lu Han’s apartment late, tired. He finds the lights are off after he fumbles with the bags he’s holding and turns the key.

It’s technically been half a year since they first met. Minseok’s pretty sure Lu Han doesn’t remember or doesn’t really know the exact day, but six months ago, Minseok felt his world tilt from underneath his feet. Namely, it’s an anniversary that Minseok’s been looking forward to, even if they haven’t put any official labels on their relationship.

He places down the bags on the kitchen table, filled with cake and ice cream and Lu Han’s favorite foods. And then, Minseok heads towards Lu Han’s bedroom, feeling along the walls to the hall.

There’s moaning coming from the room. It’s slight, and as Minseok moves closer, he can sense something out of place.

It’s not just Lu Han in the room.

When he comes to stand by the door, the floor is riddled with pieces of unfamiliar clothing. He can see the shape of Lu Han’s body on the bed, but there’s someone under him. And it’s not Minseok.

Minseok feels his stomach drop. His heart rate picks up in panic. He can’t breathe. Because suddenly, Lu Han’s hips are stuttering and he’s curling over the person and Minseok’s legs are shaky and the moan coming from the guy _isn’t him_.

He runs over everything in his mind. Just the other day, Lu Han was fucking into him. They got coffee after. They kissed, spent the day and night and the next day together. It made no sense. Lu Han never mentioned seeing anyone else, ever.

Faintly, Minseok hears a sob and belated realizes it’s coming from himself, because Lu Han flinches and turns around and the guy looks at him half-heartedly.

“I—I’m sorry for interrupting—” Minseok stutters automatically. There’s nothing else for him to say. All of the times he’s said, “I love you,” are suddenly in screaming color, like Lu Han, contrasted against the dark grey background.

He can’t meet Lu Han’s eyes as he backs away, determined not to stumble on his shaky legs. Before Minseok can get to the front door, Lu Han appears behind him. Catches his arm lightly, giving room to step out of his grasp.

He’s not even wearing his own pair of briefs.

Minseok stops, just because he wants to hear what Lu Han has to say. Maybe he’s sorry, or it was a mistake. Maybe Lu Han’s drunk and can’t tell who is who.

There’s no smell in the air except for musk and a little sweat and Lu Han’s scent that makes Minseok simultaneously want to curl up in his hold and throw up because he can’t stand this close to what feels like betrayal and he feels—

“We were never together,” Lu Han whispers after an extended silence and Minseok doesn’t. He doesn’t want to hear anything anymore.

He feels like his chest has been slashed open, raw, too big to heal properly. Like his heart is being taken and being ripped out, slowly, disconnecting vein by vein, breaking blood vessels one by one. He pulls his arm out of Lu Han’s fingers and it feels like fire.

 

  
  
  
[092. I didn’t think it was supposed to hurt this much.

All I want to say is, “I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

Sorry

I love you

Minseok, Minseok, Kim Minseok

I’m sorry

(The rest of the page is covered in nonsensical scribbles of all of the above.)]

 

  
  
  
Minseok finds Lu Han in front of him a few days later. Granted, it would have been inevitable because they both planned on attending Yixing’s birthday celebration far in advance and it would be rude to stand up a friend for some not-so-real-relationship troubles.

“Hey,” Lu Han says, and Minseok lifts his alcohol in greeting, using it mostly to hide his face.

He’s spent some time getting reacquainted with his couch and Netflix account and a few tubs of ice cream. He didn’t think it would have been a good idea, but after speculating over the numerous claims the practice has over the internet, he did exactly that.

By the time Minseok has downed his fifth (sixth?) drink, he’s allowed Lu Han back into his personal space. Well, he’s let himself be coaxed between Lu Han’s legs as Lu Han sits on a counter. It’s stupid. It’s easy. Minseok blames the alcohol.

Yixing flits by cheerfully, “Thanks for coming, you two!” Jongdae follows him with concern, looking like he’s ready to catch Yixing at any given moment. Eying Minseok and Lu Han, Jongdae ushers Yixing out of the room with promises of afterparty activities.

As they leave, Yixing whines and clings onto Jongdae, “Why can’t they be during party activities?” Jongdae lets out a soul suffering sigh as he drags his boyfriend away.

Minseok thinks Lu Han is drunk, too, because Lu Han murmurs, “You’re so beautiful, Minseok. So perfect.”

Tilting his head up, just slightly, Minseok meets Lu Han’s gaze for the first time all night. He looks like he’s been hurting just as much, but Lu Han would never admit it to Minseok (or himself).

And Lu Han bends his head down, enough so that Minseok can feel his exhale at his hairline as he’s moving and it seems like an eternity until he stops. By then, Lu Han’s lips are brushing Minseok’s cheek, mouthing words that Minseok can’t seem to decipher.

 

  
  
  
[100. I’ve missed you more than you know.]  
  


 

  
Lu Han’s drunk and Minseok ends up being the person who has to drag his sorry ass home. While they’re in the taxi, Minseok tries to sit across the car from him, but Lu Han insists on sharing body heat or something of the sort.

Minseok is taken back to when they used to fit together something like two pieces of a puzzle, when Lu Han curls his fingers around Minseok’s palm, when he tucks his head under Minseok’s chin.

When they arrive at Lu Han’s apartment, Minseok lays him down on his bed and tucks him in. Before he can turn away to leave, he feels Lu Han tugging at his shirt.

“Stay,” Lu Han whispers, “Please.”

And it would be so easy. To stay. To forgive Lu Han and to move on and to drown in it all over again. And Minseok almost gives in. Almost.

Sighing, Minseok brushes the hair back from Lu Han’s face and settles on the other side of the bed. Lu Han mumbles happily.

Minseok lets Lu Han pull him close and he presses his nose into Lu Han’s shoulder. Lu Han smells like alcohol, and generic soap, and something else that makes Minseok think of home.

It makes him want to make a home in Lu Han’s arms, in the bed they sleep on, in the apartment he lives in more than his own. But what was once familiar now is foreign, and Minseok feels out of place. Like the pieces of the puzzle have frayed and all that’s left is old cardboard that doesn’t even come together to make a picture anymore.

There are some scents in the pillow that smell different, and he’s noticed that some of his things have been shifted from the last time he’s stayed over. There’s a faint smell of smoke soaked in the sheets, and Minseok feels like he’s burnt to ashes.

Lu Han has fallen asleep and Minseok extracts himself from Lu Han’s hold carefully. He tucks Lu Han in again and comes to stand beside him and takes a moment to memorize Lu Han’s face all over again.

Minseok leans down and presses his lips to Lu Han’s forehead and it feels like goodbye and it’s the hardest thing Minseok has ever had to do.

He leaves the apartment after he sets a cup of water on the nightstand and leaves his copy of the key next to it.  


 

  
  
[101. If I find you, will you give me another chance?]

 

  
  
  
[157. Please come back to me.]

 

  
  
[181. I love you.]  


 

  
  
Minseok’s lease ended that day anyway. So he gets the help of Jongdae and Yixing and their friend Yifan to help him move to a new place, a city away.

Yifan loads the truck with nothing more than a few grunts, but Jongdae shoots him sympathetic looks every time they brush arms carrying boxes. Yixing, thankfully, tries his best to hide any thoughts he might be thinking, and only ends up slipping up a couple times.

By the end of they day, Minseok is treating his helpers with dinner and slowly unpacking his things in the new apartment.

Jongdae breaks when Minseok is in the middle of slurping up noodles. “Shouldn’t you call Lu Han? Tell him you moved? At least ask for your stuff back and have some closure?”

Yifan nudges him and Minseok coughs a little, choking down the rest of his mouthful. He wipes his mouth and shrugs. Yixing offers him a napkin, which he takes gratefully.

“He made it clear the last time I came over,” Minseok says into his food, not meeting any of their eyes. His throat feels clogged up and he tries not to replay the night everything went to shit.

Yixing nods and stuffs more food into Jongdae’s mouth before Jongdae can say anything else. When they leave, Yifan stays, hand scratching the back of his head a little sheepishly.

“I know how you’re feeling right now. I just. Same thing happened not to long ago, I guess,” Yifan mumbles, and Minseok has to step closer to hear what he has to say. “What I’m trying to say is. If you need anyone to, you know, forget for a while, I’m willing to help.”

Minseok smiles sadly. “Maybe later? We can go out for drinks and figure it out after.”

“Yeah,” Yifan says, stepping towards the door. “Anytime.”

Within a few weeks, he takes Yifan up on his offer, but they end up curling up on Minseok’s new couch and watching old action movies as it rains in the background.

Minseok doesn’t see Lu Han for ages.  


 

  
  
[182. I’ll make it right if you’d only let me.]  


 

  
  
They meet in a coffee shop, years later, and Minseok almost wants to laugh. He does, actually. Because the roles are reversed and Lu Han is suddenly stumbling, almost tripping over himself, into the shop just as Minseok’s finished paying.

“Minseok,” Lu Han breathes out, and Minseok feels the ground underneath him shift all over again, because Lu Han’s cut his hair and he’s gained a little muscle, but his jaw still looks like it could cut glass and his eyes are still smothering.

So, basically, as a reminder, everything Minseok does is easy. He’s all or nothing. And Lu Han makes nothing impossible and Minseok just wants to be able to breathe again without it hurting so he opens his mouth and says Lu Han’s name and it rolls off his tongue like it never left and the fire’s still burning.  


 

  
  
[214. I’ve finally found you.]

**Author's Note:**

> not really an established relationship? but i guess cheating elements.


End file.
